Beware the budgie smugglers: the Buro guide to men's swimwear
Don't blame Tony
You may have the body of the gods, be cut like an exquisitely tailored tuxedo and done more curls than a hairdresser who specialises in perms, but for the love of all things stylish, stay away from the dick stickers.
There is a certain style of swimwear for men which is nothing but underpants in quick-drying fabric. And just to be clear, we are not talking boy-leg trunks. These serial offenders are briefer than Kris Jenner's Guide To Being A Low-Key Mum.
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Our ex PM was a noted fan, as are countless Dads around Australia and doesn't it just look a treat when damp and the cord precariously holding the whole shebang in place begins to fray? What we're trying to say without literally beating around the bush is that unless you're a lifesaver or competitive swimmer where drag through the water needs to minimised to save lives or snatch glory, you might want to cover up down there.
So what's the alternative? Take your cue from the likes of Mark Wahlberg, Zac Efron, The Rock and Matthew McConaughey who have all gone for a variant on the old faithful boardshort that finish anywhere from mid-thigh to knee grazing. Even Magic Mike himself - Channing Tatum - has erred on the side of modesty.
Not only is there less risk of losing these bad boys - by which we mean the shorts not the actors - in the surf, but they can be pulled a little higher to disguise a less-than-active gym membership. And all without frightening any children who happen to be nearby.
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In terms of brands, you can't go past Vilbrequin (available at Mr Porter), which was established in St Tropez in 1971, is made from fast-drying spinnaker canvas and looks just as good at the bar for sundowners as it does in the surf. The colours are vibrant, the prints are fun and you won't look like you've squeezed yourself into a pair of footy shorts from high school.
For something closer to home - because in this era of chain-store generics you want to support local designers - check out the range at Venroy Sydney (venroy.com.au). Born and bred in New South Wales, they're stocked by the likes of Barneys in the United States, the Eden Rock Hotel in St Barths and David Jones locally.
But what about the tell-tale tan line we hear you cry? Deal with it. If you must be a never-ending vision of bronze, enlist some fake tan. Opting for the long story short is the least you can do to ensure your fellow beachgoers are looking your way for all the right reasons. And no budgies have to be smuggled in the process.
Buro 24/7 Selection
Buro 24/7 Selection