A comprehensive guide to who didn't bite Beyoncé (& who probably did!)
It wasn't JLaw.
Here's what we know about #WhoBitBeyoncé? so far. It started when comedian Tiffany Haddish's GQ profile was published earlier this week. In the profile we found out a few things about Tiffany, but none were as interesting as the fact that she saw an unnamed actress bite Beyonce on the face at December after-party for a Jay-Z concert.
Haddish wouldn't name the actress, but she described the incident to GQ. "[An actress] was just, like, doing the mostest." By "mostest" Tifanny means biting Beyoncé, after which Bey stormed away, grabbed Jay-Z and went to the back of the room.
"I was like, 'What just happened,'" Haddish said. "And Beyonce's friend walked up and was like, 'Can you believe this b*tch just bit Beyoncé?'"
Tiffany offered to kick the actress' ass, but Beyoncé counselled calmly: "'Tiffany, no. Don't do that,'" Haddishrecalls Beyoncé telling her. "'The b*tch is on drugs. She's not like that all the time. Just chill.'"
Let's get one thing out of the way. What kind of grown-up bites another grown-up? And on the face? Celebrity involvement and the fact that Queen Bey's pristine visage is probably insured for a cool 20 mill aside, biting faces is really weird.
Yvette Noel-Schure, Beyoncé's representative, told GQ, "I absolutely cannot comment on any of this, as I have no knowledge."
The internet of course has plenty of theories. Here are our thoughts on all the rumoured biters so far.
Who she is: Outspoken, talented writer, actress and unwitting mascot for body positivity who often puts her foot in it.
Why she's a suspect: Bookmakers Paddy Power drew up a seemingly random list of suspects, and Lena was the top pick, with odds of two to one.
Why she probably didn't do it: In short, she said so. Lena tweeted, "As the patron saint of 'She would do that ...' I didn't." We all know from binge watching police dramas on Netflix that a good detective would take Lena at her word, right?
Who she is: Loveably goofy, smart and talented actress. She was nominated for an Oscar for her role in Winter's Bone when she was just 21, and she won an Oscar two years later for best actress in Silver Linings Playbook.
Why she's a suspect: People are totally jelly of JLaw and like to drag her name into all kinds of drama.
She she probably didn't do it: She wasn't even there, you guys. That day, Jennifer Lawrence was spotted in New York hanging with her ex, filmmaker Darren Aronofsky. And that's a whole other thing for the rumour mill.
Who she is: Daughter of music producer David Foster and former stepsister of Bella and Gigi Hadid, Sara has acted on the shows 90210 and Barely Famous.
Why she's a suspect: She was at the Jay-Z concert that night.
Why she probably didn't do it: First off, concert-goers to a Jay-Z show number in the hundreds of thousands so just being at a concert doesn't necessarily make you a suspect. Also Sara proved she belonged on Barely Famous when she posted on Instagram, "Flattering that anyone thinks I could get this close to Beyoncé."
Who she is: If you don't know who Gwyneth Paltrow is, we'd be surprised that you know who Beyoncé is. But just in case, she's an actress from way back, she runs GOOP, the lifestyle website that sometimes gives dubious advice (ahem, vagina steaming), and she dated Brad Pitt back in his Thelma and Louise days when scientists agree that he was at his most knee-buckling-ly beautiful.
Why she's a suspect: She's Beyoncé's friend and she could have been on the guest list that night, but seriously the internet has got to work on getting its suspect list more solid. Suspecting Gwyneth is nearly as weak as suspecting Jennifer Lawrence who DEFINITELY WASN'T EVEN AT THE PARTY.
Why she probably didn't do it: Have you ever known Gwyneth to do anything other than look amazing with a make-up free face? OK she does other good stuff too, but she would definitely not bite anyone on the face. She's just not crazy like that.
Also Chrissy Teigen said she didn't and that woman's word is gospel truth as far as we're concerned.
Queen Latifah and Rihanna
Who they are: Music and style icons.
Why they're suspects: They were both at the Jay-Z concert and if they weren't invited to the after party, we just have two words: epic fued.
Why they probably didn't do it: Tiffany talks about the biter as "just some [random] actress" which Queen Latifah and Rihanna are not. Once you get to single-name-status-fame, you are no longer "just some actress".
Also, if either of them did bite Beyonce, a glass dome probably would have come down over the party and a team of lawyers would have marched in with a stack of non-disclosure agreements for everyone to sign.
You know that saying, whoever smelt it dealt it? Based on that precise, primary schoolkid science we can make two assumptions about #WhoBitBeyoncé?. One, that Tiffany Haddish broke the news about the face-biting to get out in front of the scandal before everyone else, and two, it was actually Tiffany who bit Beyoncé.
Call the folks at CSI. We've cracked this case wide open. *dusts off hands and walks into sunset*.
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