5 things your trainer never wants to hear again
Last year I wrote an article about the 8 biggest health and fitness lies (and what your trainer really thinks of them). Judging from how popular it was, it obviously hit a nerve. I originally wrote the article because I thought it would be quite a cathartic process to let go of some of the anger and frustration I'd been pushing down to the deepest parts of my soul. But alas - it did not. So, here we are again, talking more 'things' that myself (and your trainer) are sick of hearing - I mean seriously guys, you should hear yourselves...
1. Any question from an "askhole"
Don't know what an askhole is?
Askhole: a person who constantly asks your opinion by asking multiple, pointless, stupid, obnoxious, annoying, dumb and/or frustrating questions yet when you answer them, will always do the opposite anyway.
Now, you have every right to ask questions, in fact, you should ask questions and also question all the information you're being given. But if you really think that little of our knowledge base and believe you know best - then stop asking. Because if you don't, then you may soon find yourself being "accidentally" hit with a fit ball, in the face, twice.
2. "My friend did [enter diet/program] and lost 9kg, do you think I should do it too?
Seriously... WTF?...how is it that you're still able to function in society anymore? So if your friend jumped off a bridge, survived, lost their leg [and therefore around 25kg], would you do it too? Now, you may think that's a silly way to view it but you need to know more information than just weight. After all, would you really like to be 9kg lighter if that meant you got to consume little-to-nothing, hated everyone (even your family) and you cried salty tears of regret into your alkaline water every time you could smell food, ever.
And sure, if you're friend lost 9kg consuming quality food in good amounts, exercised regularly (and with weights], slept well, listened to their bodies and didn't try to cut you when you walked past with your Vegemite toast, then sure, that sounds like something you should do.
3. Stupid statements and/or questions about your scale weight
There's a time and a place for weighing yourself on the bathroom scale - it's hardly ever and tucked away so you forget about it. Truthfully, scale weight doesn't really mean much in the scheme of things.
This pretty much sums up how we should actually process scale weight:
Person A: "OMG, I put on half a kilo since yesterday morning - what should I do, I feel fat?"
Me: "Step 1 - shut your face."
A good trainer doesn't care that you've put on half a kilo since yesterday morning and you shouldn't either! Why? Did you eat food yesterday? Did you drink water? Did you sweat? Did you do number ones and/or number twos? Because these are just some of the things that can make your weight fluctuate on a daily basis.
And sorry to burst your juice detox bubble but that 5kg you lost was mostly water, just like the 0.5kg you put on overnight. You don't put on/lose fat that quickly. Sure, you can weigh yourself every now and again, but doing it daily is a quick way to start the day feeling like crap. Take photos and measurements and weigh yourself every six weeks.
4. Any question that (obviously) has FAD written all over it
These types I like to call "bandwagon believers". They instantly believe the false facts as gospel, they look in awe at the fancy coloured graphs as if Picasso himself had handpainted them, and they can even feel themselves spot-burning their fat stores just like the onscreen diagrams they're watching. Example:
Person A: "OMG have you heard about this amazing new, revolutionary [enter stupid fad supplement and/or diet and/or program]"?
Me: "Wow! Really! Please tell me more..."
Person A: "Blah-blah-blah."
Me: "Oh wow - thanks so much for keeping me in the science-based loop. I'm so thankful that you've not wasted a moment of my time and your training session telling me about this awesome new product found in the deepest rivers of the highest and driest mountain ranges of Afghanistan."
Seriously though, shut up, just shut your face. Shame on you, you should know better by now that there are no quick fixes, consistency in whatever you're doing will get you the results you want. Because it doesn't matter what pills, potion, lotion, or stupid notions that people are trying to sell you - nothing replaces focus and consistency. If you want something better, you have to do better things (not just by buying stupid things).
5. Asking the same question different ways hoping for a different answer
If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result, then surely asking your trainer the same question different ways expecting a different answer is the fastest way to have that trainer throw a fit ball in your face, twice. Example:
Question 1: "Is drinking two bottles of wine every night really that bad?
Answer: "Yes, it's really that bad."
Question 1 (rephrased): "Is drinking a two bottles of wine every night that bad if I also eat dark chocolate? You know, because of the antioxidants."
Answer: "Yes, it's still really, really, bad."
Question 1 (again rephrased): "Oh, forgot to mention, it's red wine sourced from the organic foothills of the Himalayas. Sooooo... how about now?"
Answer: "Shut your face, askhole."
Now, before you get your Amazonian hemp nickers in a twist, although I am being a total sarcastic idiot - it's actually because I care, and so does your trainer. We all want the best for our clients and have all put in hours upon hours of study and dedication to our continued education to ensure we safely and effectively guide you to becoming stronger, healthier and happier versions of yourselves - not just glued together with fairy dust.
At the end of day, the sad fact remains that for all the good personal trainers try to do, the so called "health industry" is also full of charlatans trying to take your money by selling you snake oil (I'm sure it would be organic though!). Please understand that although you deserve more, you need to take responsibility for your health by doing your research, asking questions from people you trust and then at the very least, trialling those things long enough to see if they work for you. Good luck.
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